Who Left the Mic Open?

I can't even begin to tell you how many times people walk up to me on the street and say, "Andrew, you are hilarious. How do you do it? What's your secret? Teach me to be funny. I need this."

I have to say that first and foremost, funny can't be "taught." I admit that I find it humorous when I see someone buying books like How To Be A Stand Up Comedian, Stand Up Comedy for Dummies, or Ten Minute Microwave Masterpieces. Books like these were written by comedians so that they could send the suckers that buy them further and further off the beaten path so that they wouldn't pose a threat to the author later in life. The books will make ridiculous claims like "write jokes" and "be funny" and "poke several holes in the potato so it won't explode" without offering much more advice. The truth is, advice won't get you there.

Being a comedian takes more than just a lack of stage fright and a severe cocaine habit. You have to be sharp, quick witted, and clever. Sadly, this isn't learned in books. It's not taught in improv classes. It's not gained from watching hours of Comedy Central specials. It's a character trait. You know Eyore, that depressed donkey who lived in a tent in the forest? He could spend days watching George Carlin and Jay Leno and he'd never be able to write a decent joke that would get so much as a grin out of Winnie the Pooh, because he's just not funny.

I can fondly remember my first open mic performance in Seattle, nine years ago. I was nervous; I went on stage; I bombed. That's what happens when you start out. You have off nights. But then you go back. You take the stage as often as you can, and if you truly ARE funny, you get better. Sadly, open mics feature a lot of people who THINK they're hilarious, when in reality they're only making themselves laugh. I remember this dude named Peter who used to be at every open mic night I was at, and he made me wish I had a drinking problem. Standard protocol is that when your time on stage is up, someone shines a flash light at the stage so you know you're done. When this guy went on the stage they turned on every light in the room and brought up the house music. He was THAT bad.

Then there was the guy whose life was so horrible, he would go on stage and talk about all of the awful things that had happened to him that day. His set typically consisted of "I fought with my ex wife for an hour, then my car got repossessed, then I smoked a pound of hash. That's been my time, good night Seattle." Then he would disappear into an alley and none of us would hear from him for four days.

I tell you these stories so that if you are ever invited to see someone perform at an open mic night, you'll be prepared. The two drink minimum in a comedy club is not because the club wants to make money - it's the club doing you a favor so that you won't sue the owner for subjecting you to such terror. If you're plastered, you won't care.

Years and years of practice are required before you can play in the big leagues. I was lucky - I was noticed by a club owner in Seattle and was asked to work weekends. I gained corporate clients and performed at Christmas parties and charity functions. I made obscene amounts of money to do 25 minutes of work in front of a room of hammered mortgage executives in a Hilton ballroom. I worked with Ryan Stiles in a room of 1200 people, including the University of Washington Huskies football team. I dunno why I name dropped a team that won exactly zero games last season, but it's not like YOU'RE winning any Super Bowl trophies so don't judge. Just this morning I received a booking for The Comedy Store on Sunset, one of the most well-known comedy clubs on the planet, owned by the fabulous Mitzi Shore (yes, that's Pauly's mom.)

If you wish to stand on stage and make people laugh, think about the following:
When you make a joke at a party, are the groans around you drowned out by the sound of your own laughter?
Do YOU even laugh?
After you attempt to make a joke, do you have to explain it to everyone around you?
Do you make jokes about Star Trek/Microsoft operating systems/scientific experiments/World of Warcraft?

And I beg of you, before signing up for that open mic night, contemplate something: if you think that because you can carve a turkey at Thanksgiving you would also be an excellent brain surgeon, you are probably mistaken. If you told your dog a joke last week and the dog chuckled, that doesn't mean it was hilarious. It means your dog has indigestion and needs to be taken to the vet immediately.

Thank you for your time, and have a humorous day.