Sergio Myers shares tales of producing for E! True Hollywood Story and an interesting interview experience with Oliver Stone.
2009.07.31
Sergio Myers shares tales of producing for E! True Hollywood Story and an interesting interview experience with Oliver Stone.
Playing Wingo at Hooters
Yesterday, while Andrew visited one of my favorite desert towns called Las Vegas, Brandon and I went to Hooters for dinner. We frequent the establishment more during football season, but yesterday was just a real treat. We arrived just in time for the Hooters girls to pass out "Wingo" cards.
"Wingo" cards are the Hooters equivalent to the Sunday afternoon game of Bingo. Instead of winning money to pay your rent, they give you prizes like t-shirts, free wings, and 7 minutes in heaven with the hottest Hooters girl in the restaurant ...which happened to be our waitress, so I was very excited.
After playing "Wingo" for nearly 15 minutes and realizing that I get stressed out over anything that I can win food at, there was finally a tie. The only solution the Hooters girls could think of was a dance off.
The two contestants began shaking their rumps...literally. One guy actually started grinding his butt on all the old ladies in the place, which was funny no matter what you say. Keep in mind, this is to win 10 free wings. He then turns and picks up a kid from a table not of his own, places the kid on his shoulders, and runs around the restaurant. It made me laugh so hard that I was choking on my boneless wings with Samurai sauce.
To conclude my story, yes, Brandon did win the t-shirt and coincidentally has to go around to all the apartments in our complex and tell them that he is now a sexual predator.
2009.07.30
Andrew and J.J. talk with accomplished director and actor Sergio Myers.
Watch the Jordon Saffron TASTE THIS! Movie Trailer
2009.07.29
Andrew shares news of Charlotte Pendragon's solo debut as a magician; J.J. talks about an interesting social experiment in England that spans five decades.
Hobbes Hates Me
By Nadav Itzkowitz
Today I was introduced to the Hobbes the Cat. Since it was a comedy podcast, I thought I'd make a joke about Hobbes’s cat-like features. So I threw him out the window. He landed on his feet and we all laughed. I don't think he got the joke because he scratched me in the throat when he got back in.
I was told Hobbes wanted to talk to me while Andrew and J.J. recorded a podcast. I found out later it was to find out my weaknesses. Apparently, during my fiasco of rat detail last week, I might have killed one of his older brothers, but in cat years, I suppose it would be his great older brother. He asked me what my deepest fear was. I answered what any man in his right mind would be afraid of: spiders and commitment. It was right after this, that Hobbes lifted his middle cat finger in my direction for an additional six and a half minutes till Andrew and J.J. were done with their podcast in complete silence. What an ass hole.
Right after Andrew and J.J. finished their podcast, Hobbes suggested we go on a surprise cruise on his hundred foot yacht. Andrew and J.J. were used to these kinds of frivolous surprises and urged me to come along... They explained that Hobbes liked to keep things fresh with surprise vacations that last for twenty four hours or less. It sounded like something expensive for free, so I was on board.
The whole three of them were shoving Jaeger and Popov down my throat for about three hours straight. I was blacked out within the first fifteen minutes of the trip. It was like pledgeship all over again…
The next morning, I woke up to a splitting head ache and a tarantula sleeping on my face. Tarantulas don't like waking up to screams so it bit my cheek. I ran out of my room and onto the poop deck, with two spider fangs hanging out of my face, and bleeding all over the place.
It was dawn, and nothing freaked me out more than this, but Hobbes quietly turned around in a swivel chair by the stern of the yacht, petting a mouse.
Hobbes "Rough night?"
Me "Not sure. Terrible morning. Some spider has bitten my face."
Hobbes "That's funny. I thought men used the term 'bitch' to describe their wives..."
Me "What?"
Hobbes "Don't you remember? You married that spider last night in a drunken stupor."
Me "That's not even legal. That couldn't have happened. I hate spiders."
Hobbes "Let me ask you this: did you know I'm ordained and marrying animals is not illegal in international waters?"
Me "...You son of a bitch."
Hobbes has combined my two worst fears. He made me commit to marital status with a grotesque spider I'll never step foot into a room with ever again. I fucking hate cats... and spiders, and commitment.
Today I was introduced to the Hobbes the Cat. Since it was a comedy podcast, I thought I'd make a joke about Hobbes’s cat-like features. So I threw him out the window. He landed on his feet and we all laughed. I don't think he got the joke because he scratched me in the throat when he got back in.
I was told Hobbes wanted to talk to me while Andrew and J.J. recorded a podcast. I found out later it was to find out my weaknesses. Apparently, during my fiasco of rat detail last week, I might have killed one of his older brothers, but in cat years, I suppose it would be his great older brother. He asked me what my deepest fear was. I answered what any man in his right mind would be afraid of: spiders and commitment. It was right after this, that Hobbes lifted his middle cat finger in my direction for an additional six and a half minutes till Andrew and J.J. were done with their podcast in complete silence. What an ass hole.
Right after Andrew and J.J. finished their podcast, Hobbes suggested we go on a surprise cruise on his hundred foot yacht. Andrew and J.J. were used to these kinds of frivolous surprises and urged me to come along... They explained that Hobbes liked to keep things fresh with surprise vacations that last for twenty four hours or less. It sounded like something expensive for free, so I was on board.
The whole three of them were shoving Jaeger and Popov down my throat for about three hours straight. I was blacked out within the first fifteen minutes of the trip. It was like pledgeship all over again…
The next morning, I woke up to a splitting head ache and a tarantula sleeping on my face. Tarantulas don't like waking up to screams so it bit my cheek. I ran out of my room and onto the poop deck, with two spider fangs hanging out of my face, and bleeding all over the place.
It was dawn, and nothing freaked me out more than this, but Hobbes quietly turned around in a swivel chair by the stern of the yacht, petting a mouse.
Hobbes "Rough night?"
Me "Not sure. Terrible morning. Some spider has bitten my face."
Hobbes "That's funny. I thought men used the term 'bitch' to describe their wives..."
Me "What?"
Hobbes "Don't you remember? You married that spider last night in a drunken stupor."
Me "That's not even legal. That couldn't have happened. I hate spiders."
Hobbes "Let me ask you this: did you know I'm ordained and marrying animals is not illegal in international waters?"
Me "...You son of a bitch."
Hobbes has combined my two worst fears. He made me commit to marital status with a grotesque spider I'll never step foot into a room with ever again. I fucking hate cats... and spiders, and commitment.
2009.07.24
Andrew shares the first joke he ever told; The guys spend far too much time discussing hippos before planning a trip to the zoo.
2009.07.23
J.J. shares his experiences in Heaven; The publicist quits the podcast and commits check fraud.
2009.07.22
Allen devises a brilliant yet cheesy solution to the heat of the Arizona desert; Andrew offers to be the traffic girl on Allen's upcoming show.
2009.07.21
J.J. looks back on the closet he grew up in, allowing him to appreciate how far he's come since then.
2009.07.20
J.J. contemplates some sweet American Girl doll offers; Andrew quits the podcast after J.J. chooses camping over his show.
Forever Plaid
Due to some unforeseen circumstances we are temporarily taking down the last video. It will be up shortly after a re-edit. Sorry for all of you that weren't able to see the original. I hope you still laugh a little.
Task #36: Rat Detail
By Nadav Itzkowitz I found out today that Andrew & J.J. do not call exterminators… they call their intern. They went to London for some festival or other and left me with what they claimed was a simple task: make the apartment free of rats.
I did what any intern would do with eight dollars in his pocket. I acquired a myriad of cats from a certain cat lady, and a bottle of sleeping pills from my local drug store.
Phase One: empty out the bottle of sleeping pills all over the floor of Andrew and J.J.’s apartment. I’m sure I don’t need to explain this, but I was planning to put the mice to sleep as a courtesy to the cats, so it would be easier for them to catch some dinner.
NOTE: Don’t try to make something “easier” for cats. You’ll end up fucking yourself over.
I woke up to a terrible smell… semi dead, semi sleeping rats. I immediately initiated
Phase Two: I ran to the closet, where I kept the garbage bag full of cats I found, and let them at it. I decided to go have some breakfast at the Dunkin Doughnuts down the street while the cats took care of business.
At this point, I cannot stress enough to anyone and everyone not to trust stray cats.
With that said, I came back to a room smeared with blood, not a whole mouse in sight, but tons of cats (more than I brought into the apartment) that overdosed on mice that overdosed on sleeping pills. Needless to say, I had a lot of cleaning up to do and a lot of cats to figure out how to dispose of. And in case anyone was wondering, a dumpster works fine.
So now the apartment is wiped clean of living rodents, cats, pests, etc., but there were definitely signs of a struggle all over the place; namely all the blood. So now I’m left with blood stains that I need to figure out how to get rid of.
The results of my Google search suggested a number of things… Long story short: slugs don’t clean bloodstains and are pretty hard to get rid of.
***No cats you cared about were harmed in the making of this blog.
2009.07.17
The guys come up with a unique solution to unemployment that will force them to battle to the death; Andrew reminisces about the first time he heard J.J.'s dad on the phone.
Ultrasound
Today at 6:45am I had the pleasure in witnessing my first ultrasound. Some say its magical because you get to experience the miracle of life...it wasn't that kind of ultra sound. Frankly, I didn't just witness it, I was the vic...patient.
I woke up at 6am, got a shower, and headed to the local ultra sound location. Myself and two other individuals were up and waiting to be "looked into."
After 60 pages of medical paperwork saying that this thing "will not kill me," I was led back to a dimly lit room. The nurse was hot, so I said what any hot blooded American male would. "If you could do me a favor and not tell me the sex of my baby, that would be appreciated." She, of course, had heard the joke before and slapped me. Not really, but she did lay be down on a table and put some really warm gel on my stomach. She then proceeded to tickle me with a magic wand like device that was able to see inside my soul. She said soul, so I went with it.
In conclusion, I am not having a baby like my mother would like, but I will find out the results of my liver scan on Monday.
I woke up at 6am, got a shower, and headed to the local ultra sound location. Myself and two other individuals were up and waiting to be "looked into."
After 60 pages of medical paperwork saying that this thing "will not kill me," I was led back to a dimly lit room. The nurse was hot, so I said what any hot blooded American male would. "If you could do me a favor and not tell me the sex of my baby, that would be appreciated." She, of course, had heard the joke before and slapped me. Not really, but she did lay be down on a table and put some really warm gel on my stomach. She then proceeded to tickle me with a magic wand like device that was able to see inside my soul. She said soul, so I went with it.
In conclusion, I am not having a baby like my mother would like, but I will find out the results of my liver scan on Monday.
2009.07.16
J.J. discusses his shouting technique for getting dates; the guys relive their failed high school dances.
Have You Seen My Keys?
It's taken me an extra day to post this week due to some unforeseen circumstances, mainly involving the job I worked yesterday with Ron Pitts, NFL commentator and former Buffalo Bill and Green Bay Packer. I'm told that these are sports teams of some variety, though I am unaware of their significance because I find sports about as riveting as watching the paint dry on an accountant's house. You wanna talk sports, J.J. is your guy.
Ron hosts a show for the Discovery Channel called Destroyed in Seconds. He walks through a junk yard saying things like "the residents of Trenton, New Jersey were enjoying a beautiful summer day, when all of a sudden their lives were changed forever as things were DESTROYED IN SECONDS." Then they cut to a clip of a cruise ship engulfed in fire, falling from the sky and landing on top of an elementary school. I personally feel the show should deal with WHY the cruise ship wasn't firmly attached to the whatever it fell from, HOW it caught fire, and WHO really cares about anything involving New Jersey?
I digress. We spent four hours in a junk yard just north of Burbank, a fantastic place for any fan of true destruction. As Ron described the horror of a tank filled with 35 million gallons of fuel exploding, the crew became distracted as a crushing machine on the other side of the yard obliterated a 40-foot Winnebago in all of about eight seconds. Next to the machine, a tractor with giant prongs attached itself to the engine of a school bus. Ever so gently, the operator hit the "annihilate" button and proceeded to rip the engine out so fast it actually lifted the school bus off of the ground. Bolts, wires and shards of metal careened through the air like shrapnel. The bus windows shattered as it crashed back to the ground. If you listened closely enough, you could hear the faint screams of school children. God bless America.
I must say I've never spent any decent amount of time in a wrecking yard, but I plan to make it a regular visit. Piles of radiators litter one corner of the property. Detached cabs from trucks of all shapes and sizes lie on the ground in another corner, apparently thrown there in such a fashion that it's easy to imagine God using them to build a fort only to get bored halfway through and running off to use his Legos or play Dance Dance Revolution or create an alternate universe just to mess with the weirdos at NASA.
I imagine every car, truck and random vehicle on the lot has a story to tell. Who knows where the Winnebago had been, or what memories it was a part of? Who can imagine what lifelong friendships were formed over the course of a year's worth of rides on that school bus? One can only imagine how many drug deals were completed in the back of that mini van, or how many oranges were sold from the trunk of that Nissan confiscated by the INS and discarded in this place due to its lack of apparent "value."
Of course those are the good times, the favored memories, the cars and trucks that simply got too old and were taken to this metal grave yard, possibly having been bid a fond farewell by their tearful owners as they were towed down the street and out of sight. Wandering through the yard between setups yesterday, I was also greeted with plenty of stories of certain death and dismemberment. The Civic missing a roof and compressed into the size of a Rubix Cube, the Caravan that had been severed cleanly in half, the F-15O that was so charred in looked like it had been recovered at the bottom of Mount St. Helens. It was an uplifting experience.
Quite a fitting place for a show about destruction. If it's totaled, that's where it goes. If it's still in perfect working order and simply hasn't met a suitable owner, they'll go right on ahead and total it for you. Years of planning, design and testing. Countless hours of labor and building. Decades of memories. Destroyed in seconds.
Ron hosts a show for the Discovery Channel called Destroyed in Seconds. He walks through a junk yard saying things like "the residents of Trenton, New Jersey were enjoying a beautiful summer day, when all of a sudden their lives were changed forever as things were DESTROYED IN SECONDS." Then they cut to a clip of a cruise ship engulfed in fire, falling from the sky and landing on top of an elementary school. I personally feel the show should deal with WHY the cruise ship wasn't firmly attached to the whatever it fell from, HOW it caught fire, and WHO really cares about anything involving New Jersey?
I digress. We spent four hours in a junk yard just north of Burbank, a fantastic place for any fan of true destruction. As Ron described the horror of a tank filled with 35 million gallons of fuel exploding, the crew became distracted as a crushing machine on the other side of the yard obliterated a 40-foot Winnebago in all of about eight seconds. Next to the machine, a tractor with giant prongs attached itself to the engine of a school bus. Ever so gently, the operator hit the "annihilate" button and proceeded to rip the engine out so fast it actually lifted the school bus off of the ground. Bolts, wires and shards of metal careened through the air like shrapnel. The bus windows shattered as it crashed back to the ground. If you listened closely enough, you could hear the faint screams of school children. God bless America.
I must say I've never spent any decent amount of time in a wrecking yard, but I plan to make it a regular visit. Piles of radiators litter one corner of the property. Detached cabs from trucks of all shapes and sizes lie on the ground in another corner, apparently thrown there in such a fashion that it's easy to imagine God using them to build a fort only to get bored halfway through and running off to use his Legos or play Dance Dance Revolution or create an alternate universe just to mess with the weirdos at NASA.
I imagine every car, truck and random vehicle on the lot has a story to tell. Who knows where the Winnebago had been, or what memories it was a part of? Who can imagine what lifelong friendships were formed over the course of a year's worth of rides on that school bus? One can only imagine how many drug deals were completed in the back of that mini van, or how many oranges were sold from the trunk of that Nissan confiscated by the INS and discarded in this place due to its lack of apparent "value."
Of course those are the good times, the favored memories, the cars and trucks that simply got too old and were taken to this metal grave yard, possibly having been bid a fond farewell by their tearful owners as they were towed down the street and out of sight. Wandering through the yard between setups yesterday, I was also greeted with plenty of stories of certain death and dismemberment. The Civic missing a roof and compressed into the size of a Rubix Cube, the Caravan that had been severed cleanly in half, the F-15O that was so charred in looked like it had been recovered at the bottom of Mount St. Helens. It was an uplifting experience.
Quite a fitting place for a show about destruction. If it's totaled, that's where it goes. If it's still in perfect working order and simply hasn't met a suitable owner, they'll go right on ahead and total it for you. Years of planning, design and testing. Countless hours of labor and building. Decades of memories. Destroyed in seconds.
2009.07.15
The guys pay a touching tribute to Billy Mays; Andrew shares stories of plane crashes he has caused.
2009.07.13
The guys discuss what they did with their week off; Andrew explains the dangers of his newest money making adventure.
First Night On The Job…
We decided to let our intern write a few words from time to time.
Here's what he had to say about our first dinner together.
By Nadav Itzkowitz
So tonight signaled my first night of employment as intern for "Ten Minutes with Andrew and J.J." My signing bonus: one night of All-You-Can-Eat sushi. My salary: Out of every dollar they make, I get about a quarter of a penny. My father always told me it was better to take a percentage than a set salary. Hopefully I’ll be able to pay half of my rent for one month in ten years. Finally some stability.
Where did we go for dinner? J.J. loves to eat a copious amount of carby foods rich in mercury and encourages all his friends to do the same, so we went to Midori. It wasn’t my first time at an All-You-Can-Eat sushi bar, but this was the first time I went like this…
All the waiters greeted J.J. not by name, but by nickname: The Hungry Man 3000. They called Andrew “The Hungry Man 3000’s Friend.” J.J. insisted there was a strategy to getting your money’s worth. The trick is to order the food in waves (a wave consists of at least 30 dollars worth of food per person). So on and so on till you reach what J.J. calls “critical mass.” Once you hit critical mass, you better hope you’re done with your food, or else you get charged for it.
Naturally Andrew started getting into trouble halfway towards his first wave, but I was actually keeping up with J.J. I started feeling the burn midway into the second wave, but I wanted to establish some basis of respect on the first night of my internship. Plus, J.J. said if I beat him I’d get another quarter penny added to my percentage. THAT’S A 100% RAISE!
I hit my wall halfway towards the third wave. I quickly chug my Coke so that I could get one of those “good” burps out. I succeeded and got my second wind. I took another bite and a half and nearly vomited all over my albacore. I look at J.J. desperately and he gave me this type of look that everything was gonna be okay. I must have read him wrong because he told me to fuck off if I couldn’t “hang” a couple seconds later. He assured me that if he had to pay extra for me, I was going to have a very bad internship.
I had to get creative. I started dropping some spicy tuna in the soy sauce dispenser. Rolled the rest of my tempura roll into a napkin, which I then smuggled to the bathroom via my crotch (I have an oil stain now by the way). I threw a couple more pieces under the table and we were ready for the check.
Andrew put his card down and went outside to make a phone call. The bill came out to be just over a hundred dollars. J.J. told me he’d take care of it and that I should go stand outside awkwardly around Andrew while he was making his phone call.
One minute later, J.J. runs out fast-paced telling us we need to go NOW! The waitress catches up with him assuring me that he left a sixty-cent tip. He signaled to give him the credit card receipts. While Andrew was out of sight, I see J.J. take Andrew’s check receipt and add a two in front of the number that Andrew left for tip. I looked at J.J. and he made a gesture that he would decapitate me if I told anyone. What have I gotten myself into?
Here's what he had to say about our first dinner together.
By Nadav Itzkowitz So tonight signaled my first night of employment as intern for "Ten Minutes with Andrew and J.J." My signing bonus: one night of All-You-Can-Eat sushi. My salary: Out of every dollar they make, I get about a quarter of a penny. My father always told me it was better to take a percentage than a set salary. Hopefully I’ll be able to pay half of my rent for one month in ten years. Finally some stability.
Where did we go for dinner? J.J. loves to eat a copious amount of carby foods rich in mercury and encourages all his friends to do the same, so we went to Midori. It wasn’t my first time at an All-You-Can-Eat sushi bar, but this was the first time I went like this…
All the waiters greeted J.J. not by name, but by nickname: The Hungry Man 3000. They called Andrew “The Hungry Man 3000’s Friend.” J.J. insisted there was a strategy to getting your money’s worth. The trick is to order the food in waves (a wave consists of at least 30 dollars worth of food per person). So on and so on till you reach what J.J. calls “critical mass.” Once you hit critical mass, you better hope you’re done with your food, or else you get charged for it.
Naturally Andrew started getting into trouble halfway towards his first wave, but I was actually keeping up with J.J. I started feeling the burn midway into the second wave, but I wanted to establish some basis of respect on the first night of my internship. Plus, J.J. said if I beat him I’d get another quarter penny added to my percentage. THAT’S A 100% RAISE!
I hit my wall halfway towards the third wave. I quickly chug my Coke so that I could get one of those “good” burps out. I succeeded and got my second wind. I took another bite and a half and nearly vomited all over my albacore. I look at J.J. desperately and he gave me this type of look that everything was gonna be okay. I must have read him wrong because he told me to fuck off if I couldn’t “hang” a couple seconds later. He assured me that if he had to pay extra for me, I was going to have a very bad internship.
I had to get creative. I started dropping some spicy tuna in the soy sauce dispenser. Rolled the rest of my tempura roll into a napkin, which I then smuggled to the bathroom via my crotch (I have an oil stain now by the way). I threw a couple more pieces under the table and we were ready for the check.
Andrew put his card down and went outside to make a phone call. The bill came out to be just over a hundred dollars. J.J. told me he’d take care of it and that I should go stand outside awkwardly around Andrew while he was making his phone call.
One minute later, J.J. runs out fast-paced telling us we need to go NOW! The waitress catches up with him assuring me that he left a sixty-cent tip. He signaled to give him the credit card receipts. While Andrew was out of sight, I see J.J. take Andrew’s check receipt and add a two in front of the number that Andrew left for tip. I looked at J.J. and he made a gesture that he would decapitate me if I told anyone. What have I gotten myself into?
Best of A and J: 2009.04.16
A & J are visited by Liz from The Productive Cough and they discuss Emma Clarke.
To listen to the rest of Liz's week on the show,
visit the April 2009 archive page.
Best of A and J: 2009.06.03
Viviana talks about masturbating toilets.
To listen to the rest of Viviana's week on the show,
visit the June 2009 archive page.
Best of A and J: 2009.05.12
We continue our discussion with Tony Clark at his studio in Studio City.
To listen to the rest of our conversation with Tony Clark,
visit the May 2009 archive page.
Best of A and J: 2009.06.08
Matt from Fun Box Comedy saves the life of an anti-semite on his way to the studio, and the guys discuss the crimes of the Amish.
To listen to the rest of Fun Box Comedy's week on the show,
visit the June 2009 archive page.
Fax This
In my hunt for jobs, I have come across many interesting requests from potential employers. I would like to rant concerning a few of them. Here goes.
1) Please send us your salary requirements.
My salary requirements? Am I to pick a random number out of the air and assume that it's correct? Tell me this - how much can you AFFORD to pay me? Because, as it turns out, that happens to be the exact amount I charge! If I knew what this job should pay, I wouldn't be applying for it, I would be the one doing the hiring. When a guy holds you up in a dark alley with a knife, he doesn't say "how much money would you like me to steal from you?" He says, "give me all of it or I'll cut you." It's a very simple, straight forward transaction. No confusion, no guessing, no nervousness about choosing an incorrect amount. What you have to give is what he wants. Use this method of thinking before you hire an employee.
2) Entry level position - 5 years of experience required.
So if an entry level gig requires five years of experience, what's that crappy job I had directly out of college? You know, the one where I was assisting the head executives for Heroes and The Office? The one were I was in meetings with the president of Universal Studios? Is there something LESS than entry level? What is that called? I can't even think of a humorous name for it. It's that absurd.
3) I swear I am not making this one up. I found a posting that required "good cover letter writing." Am I to believe that the job is so horrific, I will be writing my cover letter as soon as I arrive?
4) Thick Skinned.
I don't want to see this in a job posting unless I'm applying as a product tester at a razor factory. If you are willing to admit that you have a bad attitude at work and freely insult the employees, hence the need for them to be "Thick Skinned," you'd better pray that your Ferrari has Thick Tires because you can bet that after 12 hours of verbal bashing from you, I'll be slashing those babies with the free Gilette I got from the razor testing job.
5) Requires heavy phones.
I can only assume this means that the telephone handset in the office weighs 15 pounds and requires a good amount of upper body strength.
6) Please fax us your resume.
I get this a lot from law offices and places that are clearly hip and tech savvy - if this were 1995. What unemployed person owns a fax machine?
"Hey John, you wanna do lunch this week?"
"Nah I can't, I'm not working right now so I need to save money to pay for the PHONE LINE CONNECTED TO MY FAX MACHINE."
"Wow John, what a dumbas you are!"
"Haha I know, right? Tell your daughter I said wassup."
"Get out of my hot tub."
I get annoyed when someone wants a PDF for crying out loud. Now an employer wants me to drive to Kinkos to send off my resume? You're already making me do work and I haven't even gotten an interview yet. Enjoy your factory installed car phone and your set of LA Law VHS tapes. I'll be passing on whatever groundbreaking opportunity you were going to offer me.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have a attached a resume for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Andrew Zuber
1) Please send us your salary requirements.
My salary requirements? Am I to pick a random number out of the air and assume that it's correct? Tell me this - how much can you AFFORD to pay me? Because, as it turns out, that happens to be the exact amount I charge! If I knew what this job should pay, I wouldn't be applying for it, I would be the one doing the hiring. When a guy holds you up in a dark alley with a knife, he doesn't say "how much money would you like me to steal from you?" He says, "give me all of it or I'll cut you." It's a very simple, straight forward transaction. No confusion, no guessing, no nervousness about choosing an incorrect amount. What you have to give is what he wants. Use this method of thinking before you hire an employee.
2) Entry level position - 5 years of experience required.
So if an entry level gig requires five years of experience, what's that crappy job I had directly out of college? You know, the one where I was assisting the head executives for Heroes and The Office? The one were I was in meetings with the president of Universal Studios? Is there something LESS than entry level? What is that called? I can't even think of a humorous name for it. It's that absurd.
3) I swear I am not making this one up. I found a posting that required "good cover letter writing." Am I to believe that the job is so horrific, I will be writing my cover letter as soon as I arrive?
4) Thick Skinned.
I don't want to see this in a job posting unless I'm applying as a product tester at a razor factory. If you are willing to admit that you have a bad attitude at work and freely insult the employees, hence the need for them to be "Thick Skinned," you'd better pray that your Ferrari has Thick Tires because you can bet that after 12 hours of verbal bashing from you, I'll be slashing those babies with the free Gilette I got from the razor testing job.
5) Requires heavy phones.
I can only assume this means that the telephone handset in the office weighs 15 pounds and requires a good amount of upper body strength.
6) Please fax us your resume.
I get this a lot from law offices and places that are clearly hip and tech savvy - if this were 1995. What unemployed person owns a fax machine?
"Hey John, you wanna do lunch this week?"
"Nah I can't, I'm not working right now so I need to save money to pay for the PHONE LINE CONNECTED TO MY FAX MACHINE."
"Wow John, what a dumbas you are!"
"Haha I know, right? Tell your daughter I said wassup."
"Get out of my hot tub."
I get annoyed when someone wants a PDF for crying out loud. Now an employer wants me to drive to Kinkos to send off my resume? You're already making me do work and I haven't even gotten an interview yet. Enjoy your factory installed car phone and your set of LA Law VHS tapes. I'll be passing on whatever groundbreaking opportunity you were going to offer me.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have a attached a resume for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Andrew Zuber
2009.07.01
The guys discover one of the most brilliant business ideas of all time: feet and chicken.
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