Fax This

In my hunt for jobs, I have come across many interesting requests from potential employers. I would like to rant concerning a few of them. Here goes.

1) Please send us your salary requirements.
My salary requirements? Am I to pick a random number out of the air and assume that it's correct? Tell me this - how much can you AFFORD to pay me? Because, as it turns out, that happens to be the exact amount I charge! If I knew what this job should pay, I wouldn't be applying for it, I would be the one doing the hiring. When a guy holds you up in a dark alley with a knife, he doesn't say "how much money would you like me to steal from you?" He says, "give me all of it or I'll cut you." It's a very simple, straight forward transaction. No confusion, no guessing, no nervousness about choosing an incorrect amount. What you have to give is what he wants. Use this method of thinking before you hire an employee.

2) Entry level position - 5 years of experience required.
So if an entry level gig requires five years of experience, what's that crappy job I had directly out of college? You know, the one where I was assisting the head executives for Heroes and The Office? The one were I was in meetings with the president of Universal Studios? Is there something LESS than entry level? What is that called? I can't even think of a humorous name for it. It's that absurd.

3) I swear I am not making this one up. I found a posting that required "good cover letter writing." Am I to believe that the job is so horrific, I will be writing my cover letter as soon as I arrive?

4) Thick Skinned.
I don't want to see this in a job posting unless I'm applying as a product tester at a razor factory. If you are willing to admit that you have a bad attitude at work and freely insult the employees, hence the need for them to be "Thick Skinned," you'd better pray that your Ferrari has Thick Tires because you can bet that after 12 hours of verbal bashing from you, I'll be slashing those babies with the free Gilette I got from the razor testing job.

5) Requires heavy phones.
I can only assume this means that the telephone handset in the office weighs 15 pounds and requires a good amount of upper body strength.

6) Please fax us your resume.
I get this a lot from law offices and places that are clearly hip and tech savvy - if this were 1995. What unemployed person owns a fax machine?
"Hey John, you wanna do lunch this week?"
"Nah I can't, I'm not working right now so I need to save money to pay for the PHONE LINE CONNECTED TO MY FAX MACHINE."
"Wow John, what a dumbas you are!"
"Haha I know, right? Tell your daughter I said wassup."
"Get out of my hot tub."

I get annoyed when someone wants a PDF for crying out loud. Now an employer wants me to drive to Kinkos to send off my resume? You're already making me do work and I haven't even gotten an interview yet. Enjoy your factory installed car phone and your set of LA Law VHS tapes. I'll be passing on whatever groundbreaking opportunity you were going to offer me.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I have a attached a resume for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Andrew Zuber