Here's what he had to say about our first dinner together.
By Nadav Itzkowitz So tonight signaled my first night of employment as intern for "Ten Minutes with Andrew and J.J." My signing bonus: one night of All-You-Can-Eat sushi. My salary: Out of every dollar they make, I get about a quarter of a penny. My father always told me it was better to take a percentage than a set salary. Hopefully I’ll be able to pay half of my rent for one month in ten years. Finally some stability.
Where did we go for dinner? J.J. loves to eat a copious amount of carby foods rich in mercury and encourages all his friends to do the same, so we went to Midori. It wasn’t my first time at an All-You-Can-Eat sushi bar, but this was the first time I went like this…
All the waiters greeted J.J. not by name, but by nickname: The Hungry Man 3000. They called Andrew “The Hungry Man 3000’s Friend.” J.J. insisted there was a strategy to getting your money’s worth. The trick is to order the food in waves (a wave consists of at least 30 dollars worth of food per person). So on and so on till you reach what J.J. calls “critical mass.” Once you hit critical mass, you better hope you’re done with your food, or else you get charged for it.
Naturally Andrew started getting into trouble halfway towards his first wave, but I was actually keeping up with J.J. I started feeling the burn midway into the second wave, but I wanted to establish some basis of respect on the first night of my internship. Plus, J.J. said if I beat him I’d get another quarter penny added to my percentage. THAT’S A 100% RAISE!
I hit my wall halfway towards the third wave. I quickly chug my Coke so that I could get one of those “good” burps out. I succeeded and got my second wind. I took another bite and a half and nearly vomited all over my albacore. I look at J.J. desperately and he gave me this type of look that everything was gonna be okay. I must have read him wrong because he told me to fuck off if I couldn’t “hang” a couple seconds later. He assured me that if he had to pay extra for me, I was going to have a very bad internship.
I had to get creative. I started dropping some spicy tuna in the soy sauce dispenser. Rolled the rest of my tempura roll into a napkin, which I then smuggled to the bathroom via my crotch (I have an oil stain now by the way). I threw a couple more pieces under the table and we were ready for the check.
Andrew put his card down and went outside to make a phone call. The bill came out to be just over a hundred dollars. J.J. told me he’d take care of it and that I should go stand outside awkwardly around Andrew while he was making his phone call.
One minute later, J.J. runs out fast-paced telling us we need to go NOW! The waitress catches up with him assuring me that he left a sixty-cent tip. He signaled to give him the credit card receipts. While Andrew was out of sight, I see J.J. take Andrew’s check receipt and add a two in front of the number that Andrew left for tip. I looked at J.J. and he made a gesture that he would decapitate me if I told anyone. What have I gotten myself into?
No comments:
Post a Comment