Fore!

In order to take advantage of the sunshine and warmth of the last few days here in the city, I decided, in my infinite wisdom (no, seriously) to throw my golf clubs into the car and head on up to Scholl Canyon, a golf course just ten minutes from my house...or three hours during peak driving periods.

One positive thing about living here (there are a total of three in case you were curious) is the ability to engage in almost any activity. We have it all. Sports and recreation, leisure, the sun, the surf, the mountains, the desert, the snow, the crime. It's all right here in Southern California. And thank God for the genes in my family that ingrained the love of golf in me at a young age. My grandfather once saw Jack Nicklaus on television. He turned to me and said "Andrew, you're gonna be a golfer." It was actually Jack Nicholson but I didn't want to point out the obvious to a wise man like him.

Anywho, in my research on the best courses in the area, I discovered several things.

1. If you want to play golf in Pasadena, or do anything in Pasadena for that matter, be prepared the shell out at least $45,000 on "membership fees." These permit you to enter the establishment, much in the same way a Costco card allows you into the "superstore."

2. A private course is like a private university. If you have to ask, you probably don't belong there.

3. While the pictures are appealing, I'm not driving to Orange County to play a round of golf. A good rule of thumb (whatever that phrase means) is this: If it takes you longer to GET there than it does to play 18 holes and have a cocktail at the clubhouse, it's probably not worth the drive.

4. Driving ranges are awesome. Putting greens suck.

5. Miniature golf does not count. If your favorite course has a windmill or a clown, chances are you're teeing up with five-year olds. 

I prefer the driving range at Scholl Canyon because it's beautiful - I took the drive up there a few weeks ago at night and looked out over the city lights, or at least in the direction where I assumed the lights to be. L.A. is a little smoggy. Even during the day, however, with the sun beating down overhead, a nice cool breeze will often greet you when you get out of your car as you stand atop Some Random Mountain above Glendale. Ten bucks will buy you two buckets of balls, and then it's Game On.

There are ups and downs here. Upsides include the ability to focus all of your anger and frustration on one single golf ball, and then you get to smack the living daylights out of it with a club and watch it travel six yards because you lifted your head too soon. This brings me to the downside, which is that the other golfers at the range, whose medium age appears to run about 85, can all watch you and snicker at your failure. But things will look up! Keep at it, keep your head down, follow through, and watch your hatred of life fly into the air when your driver finally makes contact with that stupid, stupid ball. 

It's a cheap date, it's not far off, and who knows? If you're lucky you may meet the man or woman of your dreams in the pro shop, and what's better than that? Especially since it's called a "pro shop." It automatically lifts your spirits and makes you seem like you're spectacular at this.

"Hey, where's Jim?"

"He's in the pro shop."

"Ooh, fancy! He must be amazing at this! How can we get in there?"

"I think the door is next to the water fountain."

"Thanks."

Scholl Canyon is just ten minutes from downtown Glendale - take the Holly Drive exit from the 2 North and follow the signs. The course offers lessons for all ages and features a full pro shop and great food made to order all day long. Call 818-243-4100 for tee times and directions, or visit www.schollcanyon.americangolf.com to book online. And be sure to tell 'em Andrew sent you! They'll pretend not to know who I am but they know. Trust me, they know.