Monday Morning, and the case of "Missing Water"

I'm taking over Andrew's day this week to talk about my horrible Monday morning. Like many Monday mornings, I don't want to go to work. I share this with millions of human beings, not only Americans even though we are far superior.

So its 8:25am, I wake up on my own without the alarm clock. Good sign its going to be a great day. I jump in the shower after brushing my teeth, and continue this streak of awesomeness.

5 minutes in, I'm feeling good.

I wash my hair and other body parts and then my "unmentionables"...why they are called "unmentionables" beats me. But anyways, I'm washing my balls and all of a sudden the water pressure starts to drop. My first reaction is to turn up the knob, which I do, and discover that it doesn't return the needed water pressure.

15 minutes into the day mind you.

The water pressure continues to drop and within seconds, there is no more running water and I have soaping "unmentionables." The only word in my vocabulary to convey my frustration is "fuck," which I say very loudly. I get out of the shower, check the faucet in the bathroom. No water. I run down stairs and check the kitchen and the other bathroom sinks. No water. Clearly God, wants to play a cruel joke on me.

I walk back upstairs and dry off as best as I can and I dress myself. I walk down stairs and pour myself a bowl of cereal. I reach into the refrigerator and I'm surprised with another absence of liquid, the milk. Once again, the word "fuck" comes to mind, and I pour the cereal back into the box.

I look in the freezer. "A burrito will have to do." I put the burrito onto a small plate and set it to cook for 2 and a half minutes. Enough time for me to find a remote and turn on the TV for some early morning programing.

3...2...1...

Ding! I pull open the microwave door, grab the plate. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi. "Oh FUCK!" The plate is hotter than Satan's Asshole after Taco Night and I almost drop my breakfast on the floor. By the way.

30 minutes into my day.

I casually throw the plate onto the table, just seconds before my hand turns black due to the third degree burns and I sit down.

I wait for the burrito and plate to cool for the recommended 5 minutes before devouring and I pick up my fork. I then proceed to stab my fork into my ice cold burrito. Could my day be much worse?

Wait for it.

"Fuck it." I eat both ends of the burrito and then I eat the remaining ice cube, they call the "center." At least I have food in my stomach. Naturally, after eating my burrito I grab a glass out of the cabinet and go to the sink. Turn the knob, no FUCKING WATER!

36 Minutes In

At this point, I am two seconds from throwing the glass out the window and jumping onto the grassy area outside where they are clearly watering our lawn to make it that abnormal green color that you only get in Easter baskets. But I resist and text Brandon. Verbatim. "Water Shut off while I was in the shower...can I have the last of that coke?" To me, this made sense. To Brandon, he thought I was a raving lunatic, but as a good friend says "yea, but its flat."

So I pour a half a glass of flat coke and rinse down that ice cold burrito. I go back upstairs, grab my things and I head out the door. On my way to my car, I see a man working on some water pipes. Clearly, this man has caused my day to start off the way it has. I look at the man making eye contact and say, "Good Morning!"

Good thing I brushed my teeth first.